Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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