I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
