Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Can vaginas get frostbite?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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