I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
