I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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