I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
