is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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