when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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