omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
