Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
