I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
