You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
