I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
