I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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