she kept yelling 'call me bella'
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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