its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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