Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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