I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
