it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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