This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
