I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
