he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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