Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Randomize
