you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
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