i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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