found the other keg... it's in the tree
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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