i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
