omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
