look no pants
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
