I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Randomize
