He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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