I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
