I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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