I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize
