Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
