you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Text me some of your sweat
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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