I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
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