Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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