she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I just found puke in my bra..
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
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