I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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