Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
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