if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
