OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
