somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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