we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Randomize
