I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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