shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
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