I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
