I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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