this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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