The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I'm eating all of the evidence.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
